A man walks into the Election office and says to the receptionist: “I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate.”   The receptionist replied: “Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.”   He was filling the form until he came to the question – ”Are you circumcised?”   So he asked the receptionist,”Is this question necessary?” She replied: “Sir, I’m sorry, but, if you are circumcised, you aren’t eligible to run for election”. He asked, “What possible difference would it make if I were circumcised?” She replied … “It’s quite simple, sir … To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick”!

A Director of Public Prosecutions and an Attorney General have been stranded on a desert island for several months after their favourite helicopter crashed.

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their daily food and drink.

Each day one of them would climb to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming…

One day the Director of Public Prosecutions yelled down from the tree, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.”

The Attorney General on the ground was skeptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, you’ve finally lost your mind.”

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
The Director of Public Prosecutions said to the Attorney General, “You know, we’ve been on this Godforsaken island for months now without a woman. It’s been such a long, long time… So … Do you think we should… well… you know… screw her?”

“Out of WHAT?” asked the Attorney General?

REMEMBER THIS WHEN YOU VOTE

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’ 

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” 

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said – “You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he’s really the strength of this office.  His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.  I have researched the history of …”

Here the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked.”