The House Guest From Hell’
His name is Marcus Livinghill , it’s not really, but some of the names have been changed to protect the guilty, of which Marcus is the principal one.
Marcus is a unique person, an eccentric, who like many of us is going through a midlife crisis, with the exception that he appears to have become addicted to his mid life crisis.
In appearance he is above average height, bears a slight facial resemblance to Tom Hanks, with all the other physical characteristics of Walter Mathau. Oh, there is one other thing, Marcus has an appendage that would make a donkey weep. (so we are told ).
His gyrations on a dance floor bring to mind a whirling dervish or an intoxicated version of Big Bird from Sesame Street attempting to hypnotise his partner with violent limb movements.
He is witty, gifted artistically, creative, generous to a fault and a total slave to his penis. For whose satisfaction he is prepared to sacrifice anything or anybody. Sad really. We refer to it as the sausage syndrome.
This little tale relates to a recent episode in the perpetual saga of his sausage.
It all began a week or so ago when Aunt Margaret was at her bridge club in Brisbane and her friend told her that her daughter Judith was returning to Hollywood after a few weeks holiday in good old Australia, she also mentioned that Judith had a six hour stop over in Fiji on her way to Los Angeles where she was a hairdresser to the stars.
Aunt Margaret who is a delightful septuagenarian with a wicked sense of humour had met Judith and it occurred to her that Judith might provide a challenge for the seductive powers of Marcus, who Aunt Margaret had known for a number of years.
A quick telephone call to Aunt Margarets son Tim in Fiji, was all it took to ensure that Marcus would be waiting at the Nadi International Airport arrival gate for the Brisbane flight the following Tuesday afternoon.
Nadi International Airport arrivals area is quite spacious. In 2003 it had two cattle type holding pens to the right of the arrival doors, these pens are for the containment of individuals waiting for their loved ones or friends to arrive.
To the left of the doors there was a security desk with a chair. Bonded to the chair with eight hour glue is a security officer.
A little further on the left is the cash dispenser, awaiting frustrated visitors with credit cards who foolishly believe it will always be fully operational. Immediately past the cash dispenser are the doors to the 24-hour Airport Bank.
These doors were kept locked 24 hours a day to protect the staff from any germs the tourists may bring into the country, they also protect them from abuse. The doors appear to have one-way glass. Whilst the potential customers can see the staff in the bank, the bank staff are totally oblivious to the customers even when they pound on the glass doors, which must also be soundproof. The bank has three external serving hatches, of which only one can be opened at any one time, usually the one furthest away from the hatch where a line of tourists has formed.
A little further on there is normally a trio of Fijians singing songs of welcome in Fijian, with various degrees of enthusiasm, the most enthusiastic being the ukulele player. Which has the effect of bemusing, amusing or terrifying the unsuspecting visitor.
Beyond the musical trio are the ‘meet and greet ‘representatives of the various hotels, with necklaces of shells to welcome their guests. Beyond them is a heavily roped off area which is the larger part of the arrival concourse. This is not a security area, nor is it in a perpetual state of being cleaned, it is just extremely slippery for jet-lagged passengers and there is no first aid section at the arrival concourse.
It was into this scene that our hero Marcus projected himself, dressed casually but carefully. Cleanly shaved, hair carefully brushed to look as if his prematurely greying locks had fallen into place. His John Lennon type spectacles perched halfway down his nose so he could either tilt his head back and look through them, or raise his eyebrows and peer over the top of them rather like a surprised bird. Marcus was on the hunt.
He gave the two cattle type holding a contemptuous glance; these were not for him, for he was not to be contained.
He moved past them and with authority went directly into the reception area reserved for “meet & greet’ staff from the hotels, many of whom knew him and acknowledged his presence with due deference.
He was now in a prime position to observe the arrival of the promised challenge to his powers of seduction.
Due to the normal confusion of passed on messages, Marcus was expecting a blond haired woman of average height, wearing a pink top and black skirt. It transpired that Judith was in fact wearing a blue top with black skirt, she was a little less than average height and she was a brunette.
The plan Marcus had formed in his mind was that if Judith was a horror and he had been led into a trap, he could execute a smart exit to the rear of the arrival complex without drawing attention to himself. However if she was as attractive as he had been led to believe he could move forward without being impeded by the rails of the waiting seating area and welcome Judith to Fiji with all the charm he could muster.
It must be said that a number of attractive blonde’s of average height came through the arrival doors, and each time as Marcus drew himself up to his full height they were followed immediately by burly rugby playing types or by female companions.
Eventually when Judith bounced through the doors vibrant and brunette, Marcus glanced at her but dismissed her because she was not a blonde. Having got as far as the exit doors without being brought down in a tackle, Judith immediately turned round and headed for the Fiji Visitors Shop where she used the telephone to contact Aunt Margaret’s son Tim. He immediately telephoned your author who had been working in the area at the time who had also gone to the airport at Martins behest and was standing near the exit doors watching the performance, Rick gave a quick nod to Marcus together with raised eyebrows and he pounced, or rather flowed in Judith’s direction.
As Marcus confided later, he confirmed that Judith had a six hour stop over, and not being confident of a conquest in the time available persuaded Judith to extend her stopover by four days until the following Saturday, with Marcus graciously picking up the airline penalty charges.
When all the documentation was taken care of, Marcus promptly whisked Judith back to his home “The Shack” at Vuda Point, which is located on the same property section as Rick and Fipe’s family home.
Apart from being introduced to Judith, Rick saw very little of Judith that first day.
Early the following morning Rick had reason to look for an item in the tool shed, moments later Marcus was by his side, wearing only a sulu wrapped around his waist, and a worried expression on his face.
‘Everything OK Marcus ? Rick asked” observing the deep scratch marks on Marcus shoulders and correctly assessing they extended to cover his back.
“Mate” Marcus said in a stunned hushed voice, “Mate, she is fucking insatiable, I don’t know if I will be able to last until Saturday”.
“Well Marcus , she looked pretty fit to me , and you have your reputation at stake so you need to pace yourself” said Rick.
“Thank god the workers are coming soon” he said, for he was having alterations done to his abode The Shack, and its sun deck. As Marcus left to return to his house Rick suggested he would be wise to get either ointment or stitches for his lacerations. This got Rick a mumbled “Get fucked” as Marcus hurried off.
Rick smiled, but only because he had no idea what the future held. Had he known he would have packed his bags and departed for safer pastures and returned on Sunday.
Later that morning Judith emerged from the previous nights battleground looking as vibrant and attractive as ever, and looking as though butter would not melt is her mouth. She was introduced to Ricks dear wife Fipe, and they soon became firm friends, going on shopping expeditions and trips to the local beach resorts where Judith introduced Fipe to the dubious joys of early morning margaritas served in the swimming pool.
They were to find out later that Judith had an acquired taste for beverages containing alcohol, with the result she had been apprehended by Hollywood police for driving under the influence of some exotic beverage. After paying the appropriate fine Judith was encouraged or rather compelled by the authorities to attend weekly sessions of Alcoholics Anonymous. It must be said here that Judith was what one would call a happy drunk, she would smile, laugh dance and even sing. Never got irritable or angry, almost too good to be true.
But on with the story..
At the time of Judith’s visit, both Marcus and Rick were in need of a haircut, and Judith had announced that she would cut our hair on Thursday. As luck would have it Rick was otherwise involved on the appointed Thursday, as was Marcus and they avoided the scissors so to speak.
On Friday Fipe was invited to ladies lunch, which as luck would have it was hosted by an effeminate friend who lived on the next property, Adrian, the name is the only masculine thing about him; was taking his turn to host the local ladies Friday luncheon. Fipe accepted the invitation and advised Adrian that she had a houseguest, Judith a visitor from Hollywood, who was immediately invited to join the luncheon party.
Lunch Rick was told later, started at 12 noon, with lots of champagne. Judith was dressed in her concept of what was appropriate for a tropical lunch, a light blue top with a single shoulder strap that was held in place between a couple of inches above her nipples and a inch or three above her navel, she also wore a white pelmet mini skirt, with, as Rick was to find out later flesh coloured panties.
It is possible that some friction may have occurred between the more staid regulars at the lunch and this extremely outgoing, champagne quaffing, gin quaffing, white wine quaffing intruder, since at 3 pm the host suggested to Fipe it would be prudent to take Judith home before any of the other guests actually started throwing knives……
Rick was made aware of their return at about 3.20 pm when Fipe entered Ricks office/den and said “Judith is ready to cut your hair darling, she’s waiting for you at the Shack”
Rick looked up, concerned, Fipe who very rarely drinks more than one glass of anything alcoholic , today obviously had substantially more than one glass.
It was rarely that Rick wished he had a lock on his office door, but this was to be one of those occasions.
“ Sorry darling but I really am very busy” Rick replied, “ I must get this report out today”.. But it was useless, Fipe was not prepared to accept no, there was no way she would let her husband avoid having his haircut by a woman who apparently made a career of being a hairdresser to Hollywood stars, So within a few minutes she was escorting Rick the 30+ yards to The Shack which was their home before Rick built the main house.
The Shack was where Marcus now lived and Judith was waiting there to give Rick what was to be the most memorable haircut of his life.
As they approached The Shack, not only were they greeted by the elevated sound of Frank Sinatra singing Come Fly With Me, they were also greeted by the sight of Marcus together with one of his workers assisting the carpenter Ashok into the front seat of Marcus’s truck.
“Trouble Marcus?“ Rick enquired with raised eyebrows, “Trouble, Trouble” growled Marcus, “This poor bastards got a weak heart, now he’s having palpitations, he was working on finishing the sundeck steps down to the path when Judith decided to pole dance on the sun deck pine poles directly in front of him, she’s too fucking bad, I’m taking him home to rest and I am taking the rest of the crew as well, expect me when you see me”
(The Shack’s sun deck was elevated approximately 4 ft off the ground to the same level as the house, with the exception that the sun deck was supported by cross beams that were in turn secured to a series 12 ft high pine poles. Not normally used for pole dancing.)
“What about your haircut Marcus?”, Rick said, knowing what the response would be…………….. and Rick was not disappointed, with wheels spinning and chickens scattering, Marcus took off with his work crew down the drive.
Fipe and Rick went into the house and were greeted by an extremely happy Judith drinking white wine from a crystal glass large enough to hold a whole bottle of wine when full to the brim, and since the glass was half full she had some way to go.
Rick knew this because he had gifted those glasses to Marcus, as he had to other close friends when he was advised that he should not drink more than two glasses of wine a day.
Frank Sinatra was still belting it out as Judith danced her way out on to the sundeck, this was the chosen location for the haircut.
Rick more than a little apprehensive seated himself on the appointed chair, and Fipe seated herself on another about 6ft away, she had a happy half smile that semi intoxicated individuals sometime have.
Judith had placed her glass of wine on a nearby table and produced a rolled up package which she flipped open expertly to reveal its contents of six pairs of slim scissors of varying lengths and what appeared to be an equal number of combs of various styles; no clippers.
A quick gulp of her wine which she clearly did not need, and she was ready for action.
Her first action was to pull off Ricks tee shirt, saying “We wont be needing this Honey” . At this point Fipe later claimed Rick put on his Sean Connery look. What Rick was really doing was staring at Fipe and trying to get the message to her that he was not very happy.
This obviously did not deter Judith, because within seconds the comb was raking and the scissors were flashing and snipping. They were not the only things to flash, every time Judith leaned forward her right breast popped out over the strapless side of her skimpy top to see how the haircut was going. Judith covered it again each time by moving her top up a little with the top of her right forearm, but never quite enough to stop it popping out again and again. Judith appeared to be of the opinion she never needed a bra, and Rick had seen enough to agree with her.
Eventually Judith pushed Ricks head back, trimmed his eyebrows (without asking) then his mustache.
Rick thanked her and Judith said, “I am not finished yet honey I have to clean up your neck” and to Fipe she said “ Feebee honey” she always called her FEEBEE although the correct pronunciation is Feepay, “Feebee honey can you go to the far bathroom and get mah razor” , Fipe got up weaved across the deck, through the living area and a few moments later called out “Which one Judith” to which Judith called back, “Mah Pussy razor honey, the Pink one”
That was enough for Rick, he said “Judith I am out of here, I can shave my own neck” Judith pushed him back into the chair saying “What’s the matter honey, you think I cannot shave your neck without nicking you” and she then lifted her micro skirt, pulled down her flesh coloured panties and pushed a mound of impeccably shaven flesh a few inches from Rick’s face. “What do you think of that honey?” she said. “Remarkable, now put it away before Fipe gets back” was Rick’s reply, and quick as a flash it was gone.
Fipe duly returned with the pink pussy razor gave it to Judith and sat down again. Judith shaved Rick’s neck, no nicks or cuts, not even a scrape.
“There you go honey, you can get a shower now” she said, but then as Rick stood up she moved behind him and with one quick grab, jerked his shorts to the ground. Fortunately his Y front underpants stayed in place, unfortunately they were a little old and a little loose, and his “Equipment” had slipped out the side, seeing this and in her intoxicated state Fipe moved forward out of her chair with her hands outstretched to catch the family jewels.
Her hands cupped she looked a little like the third slip in a cricket team attempting to catch a ball that might hit the ground before reaching him. Since they were Rick’s jewels he popped them back in his Y fronts with all haste.
To no avail, for Judith then pulled his Y fronts to his ankles and said “ Honey you should be proud to be naked in front of two fine women “. Since he was in no mood for debating the matter Rick said nothing, just stepped out of his clothing, walked across the sundeck, went directly to Marcus’s bathroom, closed the door, climbed down into his sunken Japanese bath and had a shower.
When he had finished he wrapped one of Marcus’s towels around himself, and beat a hasty retreat to the main house, where he put on fresh clothes and went back to his den to complete the report.
Some 15 minutes later Fipe appeared at Ricks desk she had a hand on each hip and said one word “AND” , “ And what ?” Rick replied. “ And what do you think would have happened if I had not been there ?” she said. Rick stared at her for a moment and replied “Fipe, I did not want to go there, it was yourself who insisted I did, in fact you forced me”, with that Fipe uttered a hmmnp and turned and left him to his work, but the saga of Judith and Marcus was still to disrupt Ricks life further, he just did not know it at that time.
Marcus returned home Friday afternoon in a quandary, Judith was due to fly out from Fiji at 11 pm on the following day Saturday, her check in time was to be 8.30 pm. The problem Marcus had was that a lady he had wooed for some time without success, had called him to say she would be arriving the following morning to spend a few days with him.
The fact that Marcus had arrived home to find Judith on the bed wearing only her running Nikes and bobby sox, did not bode well for telling her she had to be out of the house by 9.30 am some eleven hours before her check in time at the airport.
However Sausage Syndrome addicts are the same as any other addict and will stop at nothing to sate their addiction. And so it was with Marcus.
His fertile brain ferreted out a solution and he called Auntie Margaret’s only Granddaughter Penelope whose residence was just a few miles from the airport, telling her that he had a major problem, that he had to go out to the island, and would Penelope be kind enough to take care of Judith from Saturday morning and see that she got on the aircraft to LAX safely in the evening, and that he Marcus would for his part deliver Judith and her luggage to Penelope first thing the following morning. Much to his joy Penelope agreed.
He then advised Judith that he had to go out to the island for a few days, leaving first thing the following morning, and that it was his practice to keep his house locked and the security alarm ( to which he claimed only he had the code) activated. He also advised her of the arrangements he had made with Penelope. When Judith said that she could possibly stay the day with Fipe and get a taxi to the airport in the evening, Marcus persuaded her that since all the arrangements had been made it would be preferable she went with Penelope. Nor did he share with anyone his intention to bring the new love Harriet back to The Shack immediately Judith had gone.
So it was the following morning Fipe said her fond farewells to Judith, as Marcus loaded her bags in the truck, Rick watched Marcus drive Judith away, and looked forward to a quiet few days.. But strangely he had a sense of apprehension and telephoned Penelope to ask that she advised him as soon as Judith had departed.
Rick was advised that Penelope had a very eventful day watching over Judith, but since Rick was not there personally, we will leave the recording of those events to others. Penelope did tell Rick with some astonishment that Marcus did not cross the threshold of her house when he dropped Judith off, he just left her at the front door and put her bags in the driveway and drove off like a man possessed.
At 9.30 that evening Rick received a call from Penelope to advise him that Judith had gone, at least she seen her checking in for the LAX flight, and Rick said to Penelope half in jest “I will believe it when the aircraft is in the air”.
The rest of the evening was quiet and uneventful, and although Rick heard Marcus return he did not come across to the main house, Rick guessed correctly his attention was focused elsewhere.
A few glasses of red wine later, well fed, wined and relaxed Rick retired to his large and very comfortable bed. Fipe always complains that Rick can go to sleep immediately he lays his head on the pillow. In fact on a number of occasions she has woken him up just to vent her anger on that very matter.
On this particular night he was in a very relaxed sleep, so comfortable it felt as if he was suspended in water, warm comfortable water. In the distance he dreamt he could hear his dogs barking, and then someone was trying to save him from the water, he did not want to be saved, but the life saver was determined to pull him out of the water.. He awoke to the realisation that Fipe was shaking him and pulling at his arm. Then she said the most God awful thing he could imagine. “Wake up Rick, Judith’s here”.
No it’s not possible he thought as Fipe dragged him out to the hallway, and there Judith was in all her throbbing pulsating glory. But his eagle eye noted there were no bags.
“What happened Judith, Penelope told me you had checked in for your flight”… Judith stared at Ricks shocked expression and then explained in a rush that she had checked in, the flight had been delayed, all the passengers then boarded the aircraft including Judith, and were then advised by the steward, that there would be a further delay because they had a slight technical problem. It would seem that the vibrant Judith over vibrated and advised all within range that she did not deign to fly on aircraft with technical problems and she wanted her bags removed immediately. And removed they were, with Air Pacific management swearing to themselves that this particular lady would not experience the joys of travelling on their aircraft again, since it is a costly and time consuming business find one person’s luggage in amongst that of 400+ others on the aircraft.
So now Rick knew Judith’s luggage was in the taxi that had brought her from the airport and was waiting in the driveway outside. He also knew that less than a stone’s throw away and within calling range, Marcus was playing hide the sausage with his latest love.
In desperation Rick called a friend at the airport only to be advised that the 747 was taxiing down the runway as they spoke, Judith was all Rick’s and at that stage he had no idea how long for.
Fipe suggest Judith should have the use of the guest room and Rick agreed, and Judith duly paid the taxi driver and brought her travel luggage to the house.
At 5.30 am Sunday morning, of the opinion that Marcus had soaked the sausage long enough, Rick telephoned the Shack (not wanting to walk over and kick the door in) When Marcus answered Rick said two words… “Judith’s Back” it took a few moments for Marcus to understand Rick was not joking, then he said “Buddy you are going to have to sort it out, you must get rid of her, you should never have let her in the house, I can’t help you” to which Rick immediately replied that it was Marcus’s problem and he had to FIX IT.
An hour later at 06.30 the telephone rang and when Rick answered it, it was Marcus, he apologised profusely but he had convinced his new love that this was some kind of a adventure and that he was being stalked by Judith, so they packed up, drove out of the property very quietly and went to a Hotel in Nadi, where he had checked in under the name of a friend Neil, and they were catching the first boat out to Castaway Island and had no intention of returning until Judith had departed since he felt incapable of handling the situation, and anyway Auntie Margaret should never have unleashed Judith on him.
Coincidence is a very strange thing, and at 07.30 while Rick was on his morning walk to the Marina, his mobile phone rang, and it was Neil’s wife Jackie, who was calling from Paris. Rick thought is only fair to advise Jackie that should she hear that Neil had checked into a Nadi Hotel with a very attractive member legal profession from Suva, that it was really Marcus using her husband’s name… It was a small revenge for the problem Marcus had created.
Judith stayed as a houseguest with Fipe and Rick for another 4 days, it took that long for Rick to persuade the airline that she would not be a problem, and since they had the only direct flight to LAX Judith understood the problem and promised to be good.
Everything went pretty smoothly until the evening she was about to depart. Forty minutes before the taxi was due to arrive, Judith came rushing into Ricks den and said “I cannot find my purse/wallet” Rick was stunned, and sat thinking, here we go again. Rick got Judith and Fipe to tell him everywhere they had been that day and when did Judith remember last having the wallet with her USA cash and all her credit cards in. He then telephoned the two Hotels they had favoured with their business, unfortunately the shops they visited were closed. But after a great deal of brainstorming Judith rushed out to Fipe’s car remembering she had put the wallet under the passenger seat for safe keeping, she still had all her cash and credit cards in place.
The taxi arrived on time and Fipe and Rick said farewell to the houseguest from Hollywood.
I am glad I have finished this little memoir, and all credit goes to someone who I only know by the card name of Grover and whom I have never met. I started writing it in 2003, almost 17 years ago, but obviously I have had distractions along the way,
I must thank everyone who has touched my life, and in particular the friends involved in this little episode.
Auntie Margaret was Margaret Casey, sadly she passed away on 16th December 2011, happily she was 92 when she did and still mentally alert and very sharp. Margaret was small in stature but a veritable dynamo, very attractive and delightful company, who had spent a large part of her life in PNG.
I first met Margaret through her son Tim who has been a very close and kind friend for a great many years. We met when he arrived in Fiji and have been friends ever since, Tim like his mother is a dynamo, I have watched over the years as he has transformed everything around him, he is one of nature’s builders. Penelope is Margaret’s only Granddaughter and Tim’s only daughter. Penelope is a brilliant artist and her paintings of the Papua New Guinea Highlanders have most people hypnotised.
I recommend that you go to her web site at www.penelopecasey.com to see samples of her extraordinary range of South Pacific art. If you are really smart you may invest in one.
At the time of writing Penelope still resides in Fiji and has forgiven Marcus who has now reached the autumn of his years and believes in the “one bone one dog principal”, as a result he is a very happy and content individual who I am fortunate to still have as a friend.
Judith, we have not seen Judith since she departed. For some months after she left the telephone would ring at between 9 and 10 at night, which was 2 or 3 in the morning Los Angeles time, and it would be Judith calling to talk with Fipe.
With hindsight and tempered by time I would describe the Judith that flashed through my life as a person who turns the music up loud, takes life in her arms and dances with it, with no inhibitions. Who also gave me the best haircut I have ever had.
During subsequent visits to Los Angeles I would carefully scan the seating of restaurants that I entered, just in case Judith was there and I had time to flee
I started out calling this memoir the Houseguest From Hell, now 16 years later it is the Houseguest From Hollywood. Some may say there is little difference.
Texas 2019….Final revision for my older Grandchildren
Copyright: Rob Rickman RAWFIJI