Monthly Archives: August 2012

I’M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?

31 Friday Aug 2012

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There’s nothing the matter with me,

I’m just as healthy as can be,

I have arthritis in both knees,

And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.

My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,

But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

All my teeth have had to come out,

And my diet I hate to think about.

I’m overweight and I can’t get thin,

But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.

Or I wouldn’t be able to go out in the street.

Sleep is denied me night after night,

But every morning I find I’m all right.

My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin.

But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Old age is golden I’ve heard it said,

But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.

With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,

And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.

And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,

Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,

Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!!

But really I don’t mind, when I think with a grin,

Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,

Pick up the paper and read the obits.

If my name is missing, I’m therefore not dead,

So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

 

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,

Is that for you and me, who are growing old.

It’s better to say “I’m fine” with a grin,

Than to let people know the shape we are in. 

I’M FINE!!  HOW ARE YOU?

 

 

 

 

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CAR KEYS

31 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by in Daily Humour

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Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel;  
I was looking for my
keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the
meeting room revealed nothing. 

Suddenly I realized I
must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the
parking lot. 

My wife has scolded me
many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the
ignition is the best place not to lose them. 

Her theory is that the
car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a
terrifying conclusion. 

Her theory was right.
The parking lot was empty. 

I immediately called the
police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my
keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most
difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always call her
“honey” in times like these. 

“I left my keys in the
car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of
silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard
her voice.

“Idiot”, she barked, “I
dropped you off!” 

Now it was my time to be
silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

She retorted, “I will,
as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your
car.”

……………………….Yep it’s the golden years!!!!!

A SUBJECT FOR DEBATE

29 Wednesday Aug 2012

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‘Death Row: The Last 24 Hours’ is the title of a Discovery Channel programme about the last 24 hours of condemned individuals in the United States – for the most part concerning theHuntsville Unit in Texas. It was harrowing to watch, and it’s hard to find an appropriate adjective for the emotions it aroused; but because I cannot condone the death penalty I felt compelled to watch it and learn; and learn I did.

I firmly believe that no human being has the right to kill another human being; and that two wrongs do not make a right: end of story, I thought. But it isn’t, because I think that what I know now is not just about what goes on in death row – it’s about all of us.

At the start of the programme, a warden explains that the last 24 hours ‘do not always go to plan, but it’s routine for us’. The electric chair was invented in 1890, but not used until 1924 when 5 condemned men were electrocuted. Since a Florida chair set fire to the hair and lower legs of a man, synthetic non-flammable sponge has replaced sea sponge to pad the leather ‘head-cap’ and the lower legs are shaved. A 40s Delaware hanging went wrong when the rope stretched; so today all the ropes are tested for strength and stretched to their limit. One prisoner ordered four BLT sandwiches for his last meal, ate them, and then swallowed a number of pills in an attempt to commit suicide. When he was found to be comatose, he was, and again I quote…’brought back to life for the execution’. Continue reading →

20 Monday Aug 2012

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How to Tell the SEX of a Fly
JUST TOO CUTE.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“What are you doing?”
She asked.

“Hunting Flies”
He responded.

“Oh. ! Killing any?”
She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

 

Intrigued, she asked.
“How can you tell them apart?”

 


He responded,
“3 were on a beer can, 
2 were on the phone.

 

SDL (STUPID DARN LOONIES)

17 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by in Letters

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Well, they would be stupid darn loonies if it were not for the fact that the SDL submission has to be one of the saddest documents of all time. It is a shameful example of the fact that human nature does not change. Our technology improves by leaps and bounds – but some human brains remain in the dark ages.

 The SDL submission stinks of neo-Nazism, a movement which is gaining ground in Germany, according to a recent BBC documentary. It stinks, too, of the methods of a madman named Robert Mugabe. Or how about Pol Pot? Unfortunately, the list of tyrants is way too long and all too recent. If the SDL followers got their way they’d have a foot in the door to eventual ethnic cleansing – no doubt about that.

 Is the ‘bula beam’ merely superficial? Are the so-called Christian iTaukei really so hate-filled, so intolerant, and so arrogant? No – I don’t think so. I think that the mindset behind that SDL submission belongs to a very small and insignificant group of bitter and twisted people of a much older generation, which, judging by that mindset, we shall be better off without as they pass on to live forever in that loving, caring, tolerant and Christian figment of their imagination in the sky – hopefully before 2014.

 Our young people need to be told about the idiocies that resulted from the clamp-down on Sunday following the 1987 coups. Army trucks full of soldiers, roaring about with what seemed to be a carte blanch right to stop people enjoying their Sundays – I remember it well. A young mother told that she couldn’t wash and hang nappies to dry. A father told to stop playing ball with his two sons and go inside and read the Bible. A child of 9 having to choose which of two sports to drop because sport was not allowed on Sunday, so the only sporting day he had was Saturday. A pilot turned around at a road-block after dark and told he could not drive to Nausori to fly a plane to Sydney. And, my personal favourite – Lyle Cupit of Conag being told that his workers could not milk cows on Sundays!

 All very funny in retrospect, because the whole exercise did nothing more than point out to the general public how lacking in general knowledge the soldiers were. But there were many sad stories, too. Especially those about the relatives and friends of the sick and dying, who could not visit them in the various hospitals and clinics. Good grief – we couldn’t even buy a loaf of bread! 

Today’s young people have tasted freedom. They have the internet and mobile phones and they know a damned sight more than their elders’ do, that’s for sure. They are street-smart and switched on, and any government that tries to curtail their freedoms will not last long. But nor will the SDL, for with that nasty submission they have sealed their coffin. It will be interesting to see if, and how, they will try to back-track come September. My bet is that they will simply fade away, and good riddance.  

 

GODS LAWS

06 Monday Aug 2012

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Below is a brilliant and humorous response to the notion that the Bible is the ultimate justification for any conflicting viewpoint in this day and age.

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant orthodox jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, Written By James M. Kauffman, of Virginia, and posted on the internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding god’s law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate!

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of god’s laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that i may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t i own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that i am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do i tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When i burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, i know it creates a pleasing odor for the lord – lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should i smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am i morally obligated to kill him myself, or should i ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Leviticus. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that i may not approach the altar of god if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may i still play football if i wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that god’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James m. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of curriculum,
instruction, and special education university of Virginia

p.s. it would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian

Dangerous or Demented Driving ?

05 Sunday Aug 2012

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Business woman Mere Samisoni who was taken in for questioning after an allegation of dangerous driving has been cautioned and released. (Hooray)
 
Police confirmed she was taken in yesterday afternoon after she nearly bumped a FICAC vehicle in Toorak. ( Just another publicity stunt by a disgruntled Granny)
 
No charges were laid against her.
Greybeard wonders whether this is a stacked deck problem, or lack of a full deck problem.

Listen to Your Body

05 Sunday Aug 2012

Posted by in Health Hints

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In mid-December 2000 I knew that there was something wrong with one of my boobs. There was no pain, no ache, not even discomfort. There was merely a sense of being aware of my left nipple – the very slightest tingling, perhaps, but enough to awake that awareness. The feeling had been there for several days. 

A breast palpation assured me that there were no lumps; but then I noticed something odd. My right nipple was clear, but the left was crusty. I cleared the crust away and decided to wait for 24 hours – when a quick check showed that the crustiness had returned.

So off to the doctor, who decided that this was merely a case of mild mastitis and gave me a seven day course of antibiotics. Seven days later the crust was still forming and a return visit to the doctor had me back on the antibiotics for a further seven days. The crust stayed there. So back I go to the doctor.

Now antibiotics play hell with my system – in fact just about any medication other than a Panadol tablet knocks me sideways: I’d have made a lousy drug addict! I went into panic mode when the doctor suggested a third course of antibiotics: three days on the things and thrush is inevitable. So I stood my ground and demanded a mammogram plus an ultra-sound. But it turned out that the mammogram machine was out of order – it would have to be the ultra-sound, which was arranged for two days later.
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