Old Timers Sex

This is too funny to be dirty – enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’
‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’
‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’
‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence… The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, ‘Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence

Wise Up Neil Sharma MP

Stop the fluoridation of water

I WAS sorry to read in The Fiji Times Online (21/9) that Fiji is continuing with its water fluoridation program, despite it being completely discredited in most of the world as unethical, unscientific, costly ($1 million will be a drop in the ocean) and worst of all, injurious to the health.

Harvard Medical School researchers recently published a paper (Environmental Health Perspectives 20 July 2012) demonstrating a loss of an average 7 IQ points by children up to age 14 in fluoridated communities.

The loss is greater among poorer communities with lower nutritional standards.

I don’t believe anyone could deny the credibility of this university.

Other proven consequences include kidney disease, iodine deficiency leading to hyperthyroidism and brittle bones.

On top of all this, any benefit to the teeth in reducing cavities is statistically insignificant and more that offset by fluorosis staining and mottling the teeth. Please stop this program now and get your $1 million back.

PETER MACKINLAY Geelong
Australia

Read more facts on Fluoride~http://www.fluoridealert.org/articles/iq-facts/

Read even more ~ http://www.angelfire.com/az/sthurston/fluoride.html

THE MYZOMELA

As I approached my car to go shopping one day three years ago, I saw a tiny bird fluttering, as a hummingbird might do, in front of a wing-mirror. The little thing wasn’t fazed at all by how close I was. Every now and then it would cling to the mirror’s rim and chirp away to itself. Sometimes it hung upside down from one leg. 

That was just too good to ignore, so the next day I drove to Navua to purchase four 6 by 4 inch mirrors. My husband attached three to the courtyard fence, and one to a fence post beside the master bedroom and visible from the living room patio. Below the bottom of each mirror he nailed a 6 inch nail to make a perch. 

Then I waited. It took about 4 weeks for ‘Little Bird’ to discover the first mirror; the one placed beneath an odd looking plant that bears red flowers. I’d noticed that it was particularly fond of red flowers. Just a week later it found the bedroom mirror and its chirruping would call me to lurk behind the curtain and watch its antics just eight feet away. 

A Google search informed that it was a myzomela, or orange-breasted honey-eater, and endemic to Fiji. It’s approximately 4 inches long, with a black back, some red on its tail, a creamy breast tinged with yellow rather than orange, and a black head on which the male sports a round red cap, just like my ‘Little Bird’. Happily it is far from endangered. 

One day, when I was watching it from the patio, I looked up from my book and there it was, hanging motionless. My heart sank as I stood and very slowly walked towards it. I was not five feet away when it suddenly took off into the air chirping like crazy. This became a favourite trick, hanging like a dead thing from its perch, and it was always un-nerving. 

Occasionally, Little Bird would fly into the house and perform before the mirror above the dining room buffet, often landing on the fan blades or perching on a light fitting or beam, chirruping away. 

Little Bird soon found a Mrs Little Bird and they provided much amusement when they chased each other, flying in their dipping fashion and perching in the neighbour’s orange tree. They are rarely still, these little birds, unless they are hanging upside down, that is. Up in the tree’s branches they were always in constant motion, jumping this way and that and keeping up a high pitched tweeting. 

Then they vanished, and I assumed that Mrs Little Bird was producing a Baby Little Bird. It was about 6 weeks before I heard their characteristic cheeps, looked up, and there they were – three Little Birds! But they didn’t stay together for very long. Soon, Little Bird was on his own again and entertaining me with his antics. Then he was gone again, this time for almost three months. 

It was on a very hot morning that I heard an exceedingly loud cheep that seemed to come from high up in our beamed ceiling. And sure enough, there was a very tiny Myzomela, all fluffed up, sitting on the cross beam. It cheeped again, and repeated its loud cheep at about 5 second intervals. This bird was clearly not Little Bird. 

Shortly before noon it began to fly down every now and then, to a fan-blade to sit, cheep, and fly up again. By lunch-time we were very hot indeed but we couldn’t turn on the fans in case the bird flew into it. So we retired to the patio to sit it out. Wattled honey-eaters fly into the house every now and then. Unlike minahs and bulbuls, which find their way out quickly, they are not street smart and have to be ignored until dusk, when invariably they find their way out. We hoped this would be how this tiny creature would leave, too. 

But mid-afternoon, with our ears ringing from the echoing cheeps, we heard an answering cheep from a garden opposite. Two myzomelas were having a conversation. All at once, there was a flurry of feathers and we watched in amazement as what was certainly Little Bird flew directly into the house – up to the beam and fed his little one.

He flew out of the house and back several times to feed the baby; then he changed tactics. He flew in without food, winging up to the baby and down again – out through to the patio, then back up; and we realised that he was trying to get the baby to follow him outside. Eventually it did move down to a fan-blade, and Little Bird left it there and flew off for more food. 

The feeding continued until dusk was approaching, so we decided to open all the doors and windows wide, placed two jardinière stands beside each set of double doors to make them look invitingly gardenish, and vacated the living area. Half an hour later, with darkness falling, we returned to find that the birds had flown. 

We never saw Little Bird again. But Baby Little Bird has found the mirrors and is now a frequent visitor. It still prefers to sing single cheeps and he is not nearly so entertaining as his daddy. He simply contents himself hopping left and right on the perches and I have yet to catch him hanging upside down. He is also a little shorter and fatter than his daddy, and his beak is not quite so long. 

Baby Little Bird is a part of the household now, along with the mongoose family that lives beneath the patio – the skink that lives under the living room chairs – and the pair of minah birds that walk through the house several times a day. 

So if you would like to attract myzomelas into your garden or onto your balcony, a mirror will do the trick. I thought that inexpensive plastic-framed mirrors would become crazed and dull in no time if left out in the weather, but they are lasting very well indeed. Such a lot of joy for so very little. 

Sue Cauty

 

How is Norma ?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. 
What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied,
“Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. 
Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. 
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician,  Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. 
God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said,  “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me shit.”

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”  That’s where I got the bike. The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

Natural Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to do a visit to empty               .   your bladder.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal – and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works
every time).

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to
be seen with.

9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of Bio-Mechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the
ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or
the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end
of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking — A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy.  As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

 

Senior Drivers

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

Pensioners Power

2014 is rapidly approaching; this will be one of our most important elections especially for Fiji Pensioners. Fiji pensioners can make, or break, any political party by using their vote collectively. 

Every politician will promise anything to get into power, we need to use our votes to put effective people into power who can really do something for the pensioners, there is no point in voting for politicians who either acted against pensioners in the past or are too weak or corrupt to concern themselves with pensioners in the future.

As a Pensioner or potential pensioner you are a member of the largest voting block in our country, it is time to show the “would be politicians” that we are not weak, not stupid and will not be trampled on or bulldozed by bullshit.

Do not waste your vote, get together with other pensioners NOW, discuss your problems, start planning and act together for the betterment of the aged of our Nation.

Collectively we are powerful, even though as aged individuals we may be weak.

Greybeard.
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