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Category Archives: Daily Humour

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Smile

20 Saturday Oct 2012

Posted by fijipensioners | Filed under Daily Humour

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Margaret and Bert

09 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by fijipensioners in Daily Humour

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Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 

He sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen

completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little

louder this time, “Notice anything different

NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in

her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s

different? It’s hanging down today,

it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll

be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO

YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING

DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE

IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”

Margaret replied, “Should have

bought a hat, Bert.

Should have bought a hat.”

 

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For Oldtimers Sake

04 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by fijipensioners | Filed under Daily Humour

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They Walk Among US

02 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by fijipensioners in Articles & Reports, Daily Humour

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Firefighters were called out to rescue a man whose head was stuck in a public litter bin in Aberdeen Scotland.

It is not yet known how the man got into the predicament, which happened on the city’s Justice Street.

Emergency services were alerted to the man stuck with his head in the opening of the 4ft-high bin early on Sunday evening.

A spokesman for Grampian Fire and Rescue Service said the man was not injured.

He was taken to hospital for a check-up.

Be Calm & Always Finish What You Start

30 Sunday Sep 2012

Posted by fijipensioners in Daily Humour

≈ 2 Comments

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives..

Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished – I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss..

An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

Boost your Brain with LUST

29 Saturday Sep 2012

Posted by fijipensioners in Daily Humour, Health Hints

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LUST is good for you, not just because it gets you laid, but because it boosts your brain, according to University of Melbourne experimental psychologist Simon Laham.

”Because lust is there to essentially lead us to pursue people into bed, which is a very current goal, it tends to focus our minds on the present and on detail,” he says. ”People in a lustful state are more detailed [in their thinking], focused on the trees rather than the forest”, which leads to ”decomposition of a problem into smaller pieces”, he says.

Even a relatively tepid form of lust, induced by nude pictures or certain words, causes people in experiments to perform better on analytic reasoning problems that involve working through details step by step, he says.

His book, The Joy of Sin, musters evidence from psychology experiments by researchers worldwide to argue that the seven deadly sins (lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride) are not necessarily bad.

”Under certain circumstances these things can bring about a range of benefits, including making one happier, smarter, more creative and increasing pro-social behaviour,” he says.

People feeling proud of themselves will stick at a task longer and achieve greater success. People with time to spare are more sensitive to the needs of others and more likely to help.

Dr Laham said he did not feel the need to amplify the point that the seven deadly sins can be bad for you, too. Most people already have a sense of that, he believes.

Research also shows, for example, that high lust levels can trigger risk-taking sexual behaviour and sexual aggression.
Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/national/health/brain-power-its-the-lust-thing-on-our-minds-20120921-26cfa.html#ixzz27n4EPp2c

Open Wide Gramps

28 Friday Sep 2012

Posted by fijipensioners in Daily Humour

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CONFESSION

28 Friday Sep 2012

Posted by fijipensioners in Daily Humour

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An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old …. I’m telling everybody!’

Old Timers Sex

27 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by fijipensioners in Daily Humour

≈ 2 Comments

This is too funny to be dirty – enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’
‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’
‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’
‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence… The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, ‘Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence

Routine check up

23 Sunday Sep 2012

Posted by fijipensioners in Daily Humour

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