Did you know that November 19 is officially designated ‘World Toilet Day’? Well yes, it is true that millions around the world suffer the lack of good clean toilet bowls and squats – but surely this concerns only those directly involved in providing the deprived with a decent dunny. The rest of us are not going to be bouncing around wishing each other ‘Happy Toilet Day’.

This so tickled my fancy that I Googled…world days…and there they all are, neatly listed along with world weeks and months. Working backwards…

Coming up on Dec 5: National Jandal Day in NZ. Jandals are also known as Thongs and Flip-Flops. This has to be a very worthy day indeed and one which Fiji’s citizens might also celebrate next month by purchasing a new pair and giving the old pair an honourable burial.

Nov 19: International Men’s Day – which is coincidentally paired with World Toilet Day. Which came first? (Sorry chaps)

Oct 13: International Suit Up Day. If you are under 35 you could always nick round to the nearest ‘op shop’ for a neato cast-off.

 Sep 19: International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Yeah? Right.

Aug 30: International Sex Bomb Day. I am NOT making this up!

Jul 6: International Kissing Day. Mmmm – could be fun.

 Jun 2: World’s Whore Day. (Pass)

May 6: International No Diet Day. Probably a plot hatched by McDonald’s, Pizza King and the good Colonel Saunders. 

Apr 27: World Tapir Day. Those are funny shaped furry things with long tails, short legs, tiny eyes and very long snouts – I think. Not very cuddly, but what the heck, with literally hundreds of other celebratory days, why shouldn’t the tapirs have one too?

 Mar 23: World Meteorology Day. This is the day when all the TV weather men who look more like bank tellers than weather men, and all the weather ladies who bend their arms at the elbow and flap them like chooks, get together annually to celebrate how iffy their forecasts were.

Feb 22: World Thinking Day. Ah-ha! So that’s what’s wrong!

Jan 10: World Laughing Day. With all this rubbish we really do need one – badly.

A guy goes to the Public Service Commission to apply for a job. 

The interviewer asks him, 
“Are you allergic to anything?” 

He replies, 
“Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” 

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?” 

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.” 

The interviewer says,
“That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” 

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” 

The guy says,  “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” 

The interviewer grimaces and then says,
“Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.” 

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?” 

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. 

No point in you coming in for that.

A gujarati lady visited a bar for the first time,
she sat on the chair in front of the bartender;
A guy at her left ordered, “Jack Daniels, Single”
A guy at her right ordered, “Johnny Walker, Single “
The bartender looked at the lady, said ,”and you?”
Lady replied,” Pushpa Patel, Married”

Dear People

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for
the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Attorney General deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government..

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local government Minister. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. ****