Eileen and her  husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of  marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went  into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they  had ever had in the 25 years they had been  married. 

She went on and on and on:  neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling  unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs  she had endured over the course of their  marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a  sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around  the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her,  unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts  and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately  as her husband Bob watched with a raised  eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and  quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly  aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, ‘This is  what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do  this?’

Bob thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I  can drop her off here on Mondays and  Wednesdays . But  on Tuesdays ,Thursdays and Fridays I  play bowls   …

ALRIGHT, who sent this to me? 
WHOEVER SENT IT, send it to SOMEONE that COULD benefit from it, OKAY!

A physician, an engineer, and a government lawyer were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then, the government lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

Government lawyers cannot find time to be kind to “Old Dogs”

Answer: Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” 
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?” 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.” 
“Do you mean a rose?” 
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?” 

Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn’s bar and into the Sunday afternoon air.

As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.

A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.

Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: ‘You can keep your damned ice cream!’

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there’s a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
“Here’s what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
So that evening she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?”.
No response.
So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”
“For the fifth time, CHICKEN!”

Last week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.” She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a ten cent off his well oiled bum… She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.

“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?…” Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside line Miss Smith.”