I just want to thank all of you for your
educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little
chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public toilet door
without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room
because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through
the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last
I have trouble shaking hands with someone
who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is
picking ones nose (although mobile phone usage may be taking the number
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt
trip because I can only imagine how many tonnes of Trans fats I have
consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear
she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever
sent me the one about poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave
it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but
that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and
AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has
granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a
wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back
seat while I’m filling the tank.
I no longer use Glad Wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil
a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face… Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from Australia
Post, TNT Couriers or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in
I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don’t support our troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because
someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from
Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet
but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to
cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t
ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I
can’t buy fuel from certain petrol companies!
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid
I’ll get bitten by the white tail spider and my hand will fall off.
Oh, by the way…..
An Iranian scientist, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too