CAR KEYS

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel;  
I was looking for my
keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the
meeting room revealed nothing. 

Suddenly I realized I
must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the
parking lot. 

My wife has scolded me
many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the
ignition is the best place not to lose them. 

Her theory is that the
car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a
terrifying conclusion. 

Her theory was right.
The parking lot was empty. 

I immediately called the
police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my
keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most
difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always call her
“honey” in times like these. 

“I left my keys in the
car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of
silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard
her voice.

“Idiot”, she barked, “I
dropped you off!” 

Now it was my time to be
silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

She retorted, “I will,
as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your
car.”

……………………….Yep it’s the golden years!!!!!

A SUBJECT FOR DEBATE

‘Death Row: The Last 24 Hours’ is the title of a Discovery Channel programme about the last 24 hours of condemned individuals in the United States – for the most part concerning theHuntsville Unit in Texas. It was harrowing to watch, and it’s hard to find an appropriate adjective for the emotions it aroused; but because I cannot condone the death penalty I felt compelled to watch it and learn; and learn I did.

I firmly believe that no human being has the right to kill another human being; and that two wrongs do not make a right: end of story, I thought. But it isn’t, because I think that what I know now is not just about what goes on in death row – it’s about all of us.

At the start of the programme, a warden explains that the last 24 hours ‘do not always go to plan, but it’s routine for us’. The electric chair was invented in 1890, but not used until 1924 when 5 condemned men were electrocuted. Since a Florida chair set fire to the hair and lower legs of a man, synthetic non-flammable sponge has replaced sea sponge to pad the leather ‘head-cap’ and the lower legs are shaved. A 40s Delaware hanging went wrong when the rope stretched; so today all the ropes are tested for strength and stretched to their limit. One prisoner ordered four BLT sandwiches for his last meal, ate them, and then swallowed a number of pills in an attempt to commit suicide. When he was found to be comatose, he was, and again I quote…’brought back to life for the execution’. Continue reading

How to Tell the SEX of a Fly
JUST TOO CUTE.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“What are you doing?”
She asked.

“Hunting Flies”
He responded.

“Oh. ! Killing any?”
She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

 

Intrigued, she asked.
“How can you tell them apart?”

 


He responded,

“3 were on a beer can,
 
2 were on the phone.

 

SDL (STUPID DARN LOONIES)

Well, they would be stupid darn loonies if it were not for the fact that the SDL submission has to be one of the saddest documents of all time. It is a shameful example of the fact that human nature does not change. Our technology improves by leaps and bounds – but some human brains remain in the dark ages.

 The SDL submission stinks of neo-Nazism, a movement which is gaining ground in Germany, according to a recent BBC documentary. It stinks, too, of the methods of a madman named Robert Mugabe. Or how about Pol Pot? Unfortunately, the list of tyrants is way too long and all too recent. If the SDL followers got their way they’d have a foot in the door to eventual ethnic cleansing – no doubt about that.

 Is the ‘bula beam’ merely superficial? Are the so-called Christian iTaukei really so hate-filled, so intolerant, and so arrogant? No – I don’t think so. I think that the mindset behind that SDL submission belongs to a very small and insignificant group of bitter and twisted people of a much older generation, which, judging by that mindset, we shall be better off without as they pass on to live forever in that loving, caring, tolerant and Christian figment of their imagination in the sky – hopefully before 2014.

 Our young people need to be told about the idiocies that resulted from the clamp-down on Sunday following the 1987 coups. Army trucks full of soldiers, roaring about with what seemed to be a carte blanch right to stop people enjoying their Sundays – I remember it well. A young mother told that she couldn’t wash and hang nappies to dry. A father told to stop playing ball with his two sons and go inside and read the Bible. A child of 9 having to choose which of two sports to drop because sport was not allowed on Sunday, so the only sporting day he had was Saturday. A pilot turned around at a road-block after dark and told he could not drive to Nausori to fly a plane to Sydney. And, my personal favourite – Lyle Cupit of Conag being told that his workers could not milk cows on Sundays!

 All very funny in retrospect, because the whole exercise did nothing more than point out to the general public how lacking in general knowledge the soldiers were. But there were many sad stories, too. Especially those about the relatives and friends of the sick and dying, who could not visit them in the various hospitals and clinics. Good grief – we couldn’t even buy a loaf of bread! 

Today’s young people have tasted freedom. They have the internet and mobile phones and they know a damned sight more than their elders’ do, that’s for sure. They are street-smart and switched on, and any government that tries to curtail their freedoms will not last long. But nor will the SDL, for with that nasty submission they have sealed their coffin. It will be interesting to see if, and how, they will try to back-track come September. My bet is that they will simply fade away, and good riddance.  

 

GODS LAWS

Below is a brilliant and humorous response to the notion that the Bible is the ultimate justification for any conflicting viewpoint in this day and age.

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant orthodox jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, Written By James M. Kauffman, of Virginia, and posted on the internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding god’s law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate!

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of god’s laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that i may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t i own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that i am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do i tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When i burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, i know it creates a pleasing odor for the lord – lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should i smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am i morally obligated to kill him myself, or should i ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Leviticus. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that i may not approach the altar of god if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may i still play football if i wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that god’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James m. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of curriculum,
instruction, and special education university of Virginia

p.s. it would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian

Dangerous or Demented Driving ?

Business woman Mere Samisoni who was taken in for questioning after an allegation of dangerous driving has been cautioned and released. (Hooray)
 
Police confirmed she was taken in yesterday afternoon after she nearly bumped a FICAC vehicle in Toorak. ( Just another publicity stunt by a disgruntled Granny)
 
No charges were laid against her.
Greybeard wonders whether this is a stacked deck problem, or lack of a full deck problem.

Listen to Your Body

In mid-December 2000 I knew that there was something wrong with one of my boobs. There was no pain, no ache, not even discomfort. There was merely a sense of being aware of my left nipple – the very slightest tingling, perhaps, but enough to awake that awareness. The feeling had been there for several days. 

A breast palpation assured me that there were no lumps; but then I noticed something odd. My right nipple was clear, but the left was crusty. I cleared the crust away and decided to wait for 24 hours – when a quick check showed that the crustiness had returned.

So off to the doctor, who decided that this was merely a case of mild mastitis and gave me a seven day course of antibiotics. Seven days later the crust was still forming and a return visit to the doctor had me back on the antibiotics for a further seven days. The crust stayed there. So back I go to the doctor.

Now antibiotics play hell with my system – in fact just about any medication other than a Panadol tablet knocks me sideways: I’d have made a lousy drug addict! I went into panic mode when the doctor suggested a third course of antibiotics: three days on the things and thrush is inevitable. So I stood my ground and demanded a mammogram plus an ultra-sound. But it turned out that the mammogram machine was out of order – it would have to be the ultra-sound, which was arranged for two days later.
Continue reading

THE NEW UTOPIA ?

Did a CCF booklet titled ‘Our Voice, Our Future, Our Constitution drop out of your newspaper on the morning of the 20th? It’s a mere 23 small pages, not too wordy, well written and easy to understand; and comes complete with 5 ruled pages on which to gather one’s thoughts and ideas before writing a submission on the new constitution. 

At a first reading one can be forgiven for imagining that towards the end of 2014 Fiji will become a new Utopia. However, read it through with extra care a second time and you will see that it contains the makings of several conflicts. I shall address only one of them, because it is of prime importance to Fiji pensioners. 

On page 15 there is a list of ‘basic requirements…which the constitution-makers are likely to take a strong stance on’. Among these are: A common and equal citizenry – Elimination of discrimination. 

Now turn to page 16 where Human Rights are discussed. Should there be ‘special rights’ for certain groups of people? One such group is described as being Elderly persons. 

Now flip to page 19 on which is a list of principles which might constitute ‘The Bill of Rights’ that will become an integral part of the new constitution. Many of these rights pertain to Fiji pensioners, but there, right at the bottom of the page is Rights of older members of society. 

Silver Surfers, I ask you this: Isn’t it high time we were no longer shut up in a separate box and labelled in this way? 

It is sensible, right, and just, that society enacts laws to protect children and decide upon an age at which those children become adults. But can anybody say exactly when a human being becomes ‘elderly’? On retirement? 50? 53? 60? 68? It is utterly ridiculous! Our age should not matter one jot or tittle. We are still, and should be acknowledged as, a part of the ‘common and equal citizenry’ and to not be discriminated against. 

How often do we read in the papers a report beginning…an elderly man/woman aged 50…? The media seem to have arbitrarily decided that anybody aged 50 suddenly becomes a redundant human being! Isn’t it high time that the words that denote ‘old’ are no longer used to describe a human being? Aged should refer solely to items such as wine and port. ‘Elderly’ describes 10 to 20 year old pets such as cats and dogs. ‘Older’ should refer to the differing ages of siblings or objects. ‘Mature’ describes a good Stilton or Camembert cheese. ‘Getting on’ should apply merely to those who are making a good go of it, as in getting on with the job; otherwise it should be outlawed. Not getting any younger is not only an impossibly idiotic expression; it is always used with a tone of pity – it’s an insult! 

We must demand that we shall never again in the future be labelled ‘elderly’ and classed as a ‘special’ group, for we are not. We are human beings who worked hard, raised families, were in most cases forced to take out a pension and stop work. As a group, ‘pensioners’ are legitimate – but think about the fact that if you win the lottery or come into a huge inheritance at age 20, you can opt to retire from the banking job you have held since leaving school, take out your FNPF lump sum, or even a piddly pension, and become a ‘pensioner’! No age discrimination there. 

Simply because the language says that we are ‘elderly’ or ‘old’ or older’ or ‘getting on’ or ‘not getting any younger’ or ‘aged’ does not mean that we should become second class citizens. That mind-set simply has to go, and has no relevant place in Fiji’s new constitution. 

There is a downside to all this, as there is to every controversial idea – it would mean giving up those concessions which we ‘elderly’ people around the world enjoy, such as free bus passes. But wouldn’t you give up those things which are merely patronisation disguised as a right? A patronisation that ensures that we stay in our box and shut up? The message is ‘You are old – so think ‘old’.’ 

It is time for us Jacks and Jills to jump out of our boxes and tell those who have youth on their side – you might have a clear skin, all your teeth, no wrinkles, no specs, no arthritic fingers, and few health problems; but we have the experience, learning, and wisdom that you will have to work for many more years to come. We deserve to be listened to and we deserve respect because, Fiji’s future needs us more than it needs twenty year old greenhorns. 

So are we, Fiji’s pensioners, going to be acknowledged as being a useful part of this new Utopia? This year we have been discriminated against: we have been insulted, harangued, labelled ‘greedy’, our pensions were cut, and the law court let us down. We need to do something about that by way of a joint submission to the Constituent Assembly. 

Fiji’s youth has to learn that age bestows upon human beings so much more than any societal value granted to firm flesh and an absence of white hairs. Yes, Fiji’s future lies in the hands of its young people – but to build a true Utopia, Fiji’s young people need to respect, listen to, and heed those of us who have the experience that our extra years have granted us. 

The new constitution must acknowledge this. We must ensure that we become fully integrated into the new Utopia as equal citizens and are no longer labelled in a manner that degrades and humiliates us.

Grandpa is in Trouble


Grandpa, What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,”Grampa, what is couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough to ask the question, then she’s old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey?”

The little girl replied, “Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”