It is not how old you are, but how you are old. –Jules Renard, writer (1864-1910)

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.

AND.…They cannot survive on a FNPF Degraded Pension

The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin to investigate him.

GOVT  AGENT: “I need a list  of your employees and how much you pay them.”

Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my hired hand; he’s been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy.  He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around  here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb’s rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.”

GOVT  AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”

Boat Owner: “That’ll be me.  What’d you want to know?”

SOCIALISM 
You have 2 cows. 
You give one to your neighbour. 

COMMUNISM 
You have 2 cows 
The State takes both and gives you some milk. 

FASCISM 
You have 2 cows. 
The State takes both and sells you some milk. 

BUREAUCRATISM 
You have 2 cows. 
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away. 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM 
You have two cows. 
You sell one and buy a bull. 
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. 
You sell them and retire on the income. 

VENTURE CAPITALISM 
You have two cows. 
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. 
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. 
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died. 

A FRENCH CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are. 
You decide to have lunch. 

A SWISS CORPORATION 
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. 
You charge the owners for storing them. 

A CHINESE CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You have 300 people milking them. 
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. 
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You worship them. 

A BRITISH CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
Both are mad. 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION 
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. 
You tell them that you have none. 
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. 
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy. 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
Business seems pretty good. 
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
The one on the left looks very attractive. 

A GREEK CORPORATION 
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks. 
You eat both of them. 
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF. 
The IMF loans you two cows. 
You eat both of them. 
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk. 
You are out getting a haircut.

Yesterday I was at my local Coles store buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Chum Diet again.  

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. 

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. 

I told her no, I had stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 

I’m now banned from Coles.  

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.