A man from Fiji recently died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

… “Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s”, replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where can I see Aiyaz Sayed-Khaiyum’s clock?” asked the man.

St Peter replied, “We’re using it as a ceiling fan.”

Never let the truth influence a wild assumption Mick

REMEMBER THIS WHEN YOU VOTE IN 2014

Full story:
http://www.fijivillage.com/?mod=story&id=0711138e8c53ffc3856db01556e531

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ME

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”

Old Man : “Honesty.”

Human Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”

Old Man : “I don’t really give a shit what you think.”

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned 
to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike 
up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total 
stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, 
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask 
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same 
stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns 
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, 
thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which 
the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss 
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

A Drug Enforcement Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs…..

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!”