A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. 
What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied,
“Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. 
Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. 
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician,  Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. 
God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said,  “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me shit.”

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”  That’s where I got the bike. The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to do a visit to empty               .   your bladder.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal – and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works
every time).

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to
be seen with.

9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of Bio-Mechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the
ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or
the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end
of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking — A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy.  As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”